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STOREPORK MOTHER FUCKER

CITY TIL’ WE DIE

This Friday is the home opener for The Detroit City Football Club. Solid Dudes Kitchen are sponsors and we’ll be there passing out DCFC rally towels to the first 300 fans in the supporters section.

 

SPOILER ALERT: Maybe we’re filming an episode?

 

THE ATACOLYPSE & LE DETROIT

In anticipation of Cinco De Mayo, our friends at Le Detroit thought it would be funny to get us to eat as many tacos as possible in 4 hours. This is one of those times where it’s only funny if it’s not you.

Or your colon.

Chris Arace – Photo Credit

Get to know your ethnic neighborhood, Vol. 2 – Southwest Detroit

Confession: I ate a Taco Bell Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco yesterday. Halfway through, I had one of those epiphanies where you realize that sometimes you are not in control of your own life…some other force is, be it advertising, peer pressure, alcohol, your dick, etc. Why else would I be consuming something that has a name that sounds like a Japanese game show? I was obviously listening to my dick. 

Detroit has a tremendous wealth of quality Mexican food and yet I found myself eating this taco of misery. Yesterday was my taco 9/11: I will never forget, no aid or comfort to the enemy, no way! Again, I have sacrificed myself and done the legwork for you so that you never have to subject yourself to the Cool Ranch hell that I have known. As always, the greatest gifts that Southwest has to offer are off the beaten path. Nothing against Xochimilco, I like Xochimilco, but if you look around the dining rooms there aren’t many Mexicans eating there. When the natives choose not to eat there, that’s your cue to run for the border, hombre. No beef head taco option? Get the hell out of there, Paco. Where should you go? Keep on reading, Rodriguez. (note – congrats to Rodriguez on his recent success and recognition)

 

Taqueria Mi Pueblo, 7278 Dix Rd, Detroit MI 48029
Horchata, chicharrones, beef head, caldo de res…this place is so Mexican, the only thing missing are ritualistic drug cartel murders (those can actually be found a few blocks over in the neighborhoods if you want the “full experience”). Get on a “Tú” basis with this place, quit being all “Usted”.

 
Los Gallos, 7170 Dix Rd, Detroit, MI 48209
This place is a dump. I mean, it’s a goddamn shit hole. These crazy bastards are out in the yard seven days a week, regardless of the weather, barbecuing chickens that smell better than Diane Lane’s bra. When I first saw this place, I wasn’t even convinced it was a restaurant. I would drive by and be completely mystified as to the process of getting one of those chickens. Even when I finally got up the courage to go into the building next door, I had no idea what to do or if they actually sold the chickens there. I slowly walked up to the counter, the dude behind the counter looked at me like I was an asshole (understandably, I am), and I shrugged my shoulders and said “¿Uno?”. “Eleben,” he said. Eleven dollars and two minutes later, I had a big, heavy paper bag and no idea what was in it. Thankfully, it was a chicken (not a severed head from the aforementioned ritualistic drug cartel murders) and it was so good I cried a single tear, then proceeded to get that single tear tattooed under my left eye as a tribute to the chicken that gave its life to be my lunch. The end.

 

Café Con Leche, 4200 W Vernor Hwy, Detroit, MI 48209
They don’t make Derek Swanson’s precious pour-overs but the Café Cubana and Mexican Hot Chocolate will make you want to spill your seed in a Latino woman just so that you have the chance to sleep over and be there when she makes breakfast for her kids in the morning. You would suggestively dip your churro in the hot chocolate to remind her of the night before and reignite the fiery, Latino passions. The next thing you know, you are staying there three nights a week, buying yourself a big belt buckle and cowboy hat, listening to Selena’s greatest hits, writing the date DD/MM/YY, and going to Sunday services at Holy Redeemer Church.

 

Honey Bee La Colmena, 2443 Bagley St, Detroit, MI 48216
This is a Solid Dudes favorite and has already been covered here. If you learn nothing from this page, learn to start eating food made at ethnic grocery stores…that’s where the real shit goes down. (note – cue “When the Shit Goes Down” by Cypress Hill and raise the roof.)
 

Mark Paul/ Solid Dude

Smoker, Joker, Writer, Biter

 

The Sausage Party Episode

Co-opt

You know who ruined Hacky Sack? Hippies. I used to love Hacky Sack…it was fun, you could hit people in the face, and being drunk while playing it was actually a performance enhancer. Now, when I see a Hacky Sack, its almost always completely engulfed in a sea of dreadlocks, neck-beards, ponchos, and shhh-pants (that’s baggy jeans cut off at the shin for all you squares). Part of me wants to hop in there, stall that sack, and launch it with some sort of reverse kick-flip move…but I just can’t do it. It’s not mine anymore, it belongs to the hippies and I’m not one. It’s like when your grandma started liking Red Hot Chili Peppers…you were still saying how good Blood Sugar Sex Magik was but it wasn’t yours anymore, it was hers, and you had to give it up because “Under the Bridge” was such a nice song. The Chili Peppers (Flea, Chad Smith, Kiedis, Frusciante on smack) had been co-opted.

 

 

I wonder: do the tired, poor, huddled masses of the world that the Statue of Liberty was talking about feel the same way about sausage, which has been co-opted by those who can afford not to eat it? Historically, sausage was the lowest form of food: it was made from the stuff that was left over once the good meat was removed. It was ground up (because you would not eat this shit if you saw what it looked like beforehand), salted and spiced to hide the actual taste, and stuffed in an intestine. Barf, right? Do you even think about what you are putting in your mouth? Everybody freaked the fuck out when “pink slime” and the pre-cooked McNugget goop made the news…what the hell do you think a McNugget looked like before being shaped into a boot or a teardrop? Did you think they used a cookie cutter on a chicken? No…this is real life.

 

I’d like to picture a fresh-off-the-boat, hard-looking Eastern European woman in a flower print dress looking at my friends and I eating sausages with single tear in her eye, reminiscing about a time when she could feed her family with simple sausages, made with simple ingredients. The word charcuterie isn’t in her vocabulary, nor is terrine, which her family used to call “shit”, or “layno” in Bulgarian. Oh, how they loved their shit sandwiches…generations of poverty having trained their palate to appreciate the foulest flavors and textures. Now, sausage has been co-opted by the middle class and she cannot afford it…for her family there is only the McNugget to sustain them until such a time when the McNugget becomes de rigueur and prices go through the roof. Where will they turn once the McNugget is out of reach? Even if she could afford the sausage, she would not partake…it is no longer hers…it belongs to someone else. Then the war came and took her family. She died penniless and alone. The End.

 

No Intestines Garlic & Pepper Beer Sausage

  • 3.5-lbs ground pork, coarse grind
  • 1.5-lbs pork tenderloin, cut into small cubes
  • 8-tsp minced garlic, about 10 cloves
  • 5-tbsp fresh coarsely ground black pepper
  • 3-tsp red pepper flakes
  • 5-tsp sea salt
  • 5-tbsp paprika
  • 2-tbsp dehydrated onion flakes
  • 1-12 oz Bottle of Beer (I used Oktoberfest because its what I had around, ok? Is that cool?)
  • 1 package of dried corn husks
  • Butcher’s twine

Mix the meat, spices, and beer together in a bowl with your hands like a goddamn man and quit whining about it, you sissy, you want me to have your sister do it for you? If you have the technology, vacuum seal the mixture for 24 hours so that it really takes the flavor, I mean really gets all up in them guts. After 24 hours, evaluate your life and call your mom because she misses you and you don’t come around often enough. When you’re done explaining that you have been looking for a new job and this one is only temporary, even though you have been there for 10 years, and you’re not really sure if you are cut out to be a parent and you promise that you will get that mole looked at, open the package of loose sausage and form into ¼-lb balls. Soak the corn husks in warm water for 10-15 minutes, until soft. Call your Mexican friend and ask them to ask their mom how to make tamales (if you don’t have a Mexican friend, you really need to broaden your horizons) (also, FYI, having a Spanish friend does not count, its not the same, despite what they may have taught you in your high school foreign language class) (I mean, in Spain, they use the Vosotros tense…all of my teachers told us to ignore that tense because none of us would ever go to Spain, but we “sure better be ready to speak Mexican because they are taking over”) (now that I think about it, my high school Spanish teacher was a huge racist). Once you get the lowdown on tamales, forget all that because these are not tamales. Roll out the sausage ball into a tube and place it in a husk. Next, roll the husk around the meat like a big Cheech & Chong joint. Tie off one or both ends of the husk with the twine and smoke, bake or grill until proper temperature is reached. Eat on a bun or with pretzels and weird mustard.

Mark Paul/ Solid Dude

Smoker, Joker, Writer, Biter

 

Sausage Party Trailer

 

Solid Dudes Kitchen Sausage Party Premiere

Presented by Playground Detroit

Sunday 01.27.2013

at The Brooklyn Fireproof 119 Ingraham Street, Bushwick, (off the Morgan L)

7:30–10PM Premiere

10–2AM After-party with DJ SET by Dial.81, Composer of DETROPIA Sundance Film Festival winner and Oscar-nominated documentary

Free admission with RSVP!!

Sponsored by Bluepoint, McClure’s Pickles and Porktown Sausage.

 

THAI LAWN MAINTENANCE

 

I would like to thank my wife Michele and her rich cultural heritage for making this episode possible. I would also like to thank her genitalia and lack of self-respect for making our children possible.

Remember: Thailand isn’t just that place you see in movies about Vietnam; it’s that country portrayed in movies that were actually filmed in the Philippines.

Solid Dudes

Keeping it real since forever.

BRINE

Many of the people in my group of friends have moved away. Being that I’m friends with a bunch of scumbag musicians, this makes sense. Michigan doesn’t offer much to our kind…its geographically fucked for touring, there’s only 2-3 good places to play shows, and nobody much gives a damn about bands here. So they move to greener pastures: LA, Seattle, San Francisco, Texas, etc. I’m not mad at them, not everybody can hang with this place, some stay just because they are tied to a house that’s worth $3,000 and a Slurpee after they paid $125k for it.

I’m cool with the fact that I stayed. I don’t lie awake at night wondering what my life would be if I had moved to NYC when I was 23. I don’t hate the cold winters and the humid summers. I like Michigan, despite all of its flaws. What makes it so attractive? Water. We have fresh water. Millions of gallons of it. I’m pouring a glass of it on the floor right now just because I can. There’s a tribe in Africa right now that would slit my throat for this glass because they have to walk a mile each day just to get a handful of water that is half hippo piss.

Do you have any idea how screwed the rest of the country is? The population is going up, and the fresh water supply is dwindling. I’m not a doomsday guy, its just a fact. We, in Michigan, are sitting on the largest deposit of fresh water in the world. Where is the zombie apocalypse going to go down? Right here. Be prepared. Everybody is going to get real tired of drinking salt water in the future and re-filtering their own pee (see Kevin Costner’s Waterworld) to make Kool-Aid. They are going to come gunning for us. In light of this fact, this Thanksgiving, I give thanks for fresh water.

To further exploit my wealth of water, I made some flavored salt water to soak my turkey in overnight…because I can. That’s right, Africa, I have Turkey and fresh water…jealous? If your Mom’s turkey is dry, buy her a Home Depot bucket, some Kosher Salt, some brown sugar, and whisper a little dirty talk and that bird will moisten right up.

Recipe:

  • 64 oz. bottle of apple juice
  • 64 oz. of water
  • 1 cup kosher salt
  • 1 cup brown sugar
  • 2 tbsp black peppercorns
  • 1 tbsp paprika
  • 6 cloves of garlic, crushed
  • 2 bay leaves
  • whatever else you feel like putting in there (not late-term abortion parts)


Mix all of this in a Home Depot Bucket. Stick a turkey in the bucket and refrigerate for 12 hours. Take out turkey, rinse it, pat it dry, then cook turkey the way that turkey is cooked. It makes turkey not terrible.

Mark Paul/ Solid Dude

Smoker, Joker, Writer, Biter

Leftovers

I am about to turn 33 years old. I say this not for pity or for a comment on my Facebook page consisting of a picture of kitten covered in birthday cake, I say it because I’m having a hard time believing it. I don’t remember growing up…mostly because I never thought I would. Up until a few years ago, I lived in a shitty house with three other adulthood-challenged dudes and we all spent the majority of our time trying to trick each other into looking at our exposed dicks…real high-level shit.

Along with now going to bed before midnight and increased aches and pains, new words have crept into my vocabulary in the past 3 years: Mortgage, 401k, responsibility, and leftovers. The last one is a real bastard…I hate leftovers, always have. No real explanation but once a meal has gone down, I’m done with it like a Thai prostitute…I pretend I don’t speak the language and throw my money on the table. Sure, sometimes I’ll bring home a to-go container and let it hang out in the fridge until it threatens to walk back to the restaurant but rarely does it ever get the honor of a re-tap from me.

Worse than restaurant leftovers are homemade ones…again, not sure why, probably some weird psychological thing that makes me feel like a poor kid and hate myself. My usual routine when I make too much food is to freeze it for about a year, until I feel like I gave it a solid chance, then throw it away. Since I started smoking meat, I had a bit of a change of heart when it comes to leftovers as this food can be re-purposed in ways not considered when I first made it, and I’m not talking about making a sick ass casserole, blarf. My new way of thinking all basically amounts to what should be the golden rule of cooking: To make something better, add a shit ton of pork to it.

I had leftover smoked pork shoulder (I refuse to call it pork butt despite my card carrying status as an Ass Man) and wanted to make it into something more luxurious (like jewels) than pulled pork sandwiches or tacos…then it hit me: BAM!!! FULL THROTTLE!!! KICK IT UP A NOTCH!!! The power of Guy Fieri flowed through me. I went to CVS bought some blonde hair dye, some asshole sunglasses for the back of my head, spray painted the words “57 Chevy” on the side of my Equinox, went to Gibraltar trade Center for a shirt with flames on it and then started finding small Mexican children to punch because that’s what Guy Fieri does.

After all that, I came home and started making Red Beans & Rice in the crock pot. To make the dish “money”, I tossed in the aforementioned hunk of pork I had. The end result was goddamn delicious. It was so good, I even froze the leftovers and I fully intend to eat them…making it a 2nd generation leftover which completely blows my mind.

Red Beans and Rice with a Shit Ton of Smoked Pork

  • 1 lb. bag of red beans
  • 1 lb. smoked sausage
  • 1 lb. smoked pork, preferably shoulder
  • 1 onion (chopped) (gross, I hate onions)
  • 4 cloves garlic, minced
  • 1 stalk celery, chopped (gross pt. 2)
  • 1 red pepper, chopped
  • 1 tablespoon parsley
  • 1 lg. bay leaf
  • Rice, cooked
  • salt to taste
  • pepper to taste
  • 2 teaspoons crushed red pepper
  • 2 teaspoons cayenne pepper
  • 1 teaspoon olive oil
  • Cajun seasoning to taste
  • Corn starch, to thicken

Put beans in pot of water and rinse. Remove the bad beans that float to top. Drain water off and put beans in deep pot with 8-9 cups water, stick them in the fridge and let them sit overnight. In the morning, before anyone else is awake, saute the the vegetables and spices in the olive oil until the onions are clear and your house thoroughly stinks like garlic. This will wake everyone up and totally bum them out. Drain and rinse the beans then put them and the sauteed mess into a crock pot. Add enough water so that there is about an inch of water above the bean line. I just made that up: bean line. Throw in your pork and turn that bastard on low. Come home from a hard days work, fry the sausage until its nice and brown then cut it up and throw it in to cook for another half hour. Cook some rice, I like brown because I care about the environment and racial equality. Add a little cornstarch to a cup of water and whisk into the crock pot madness to give it a gravy thickness. Spoon it onto your plate of rice, season to taste with Cajun seasoning. Try not to get too many beans on your plate (they get in the way of the pork.) Go Tigers.

Mark Paul/ Solid Dude

Smoker, Joker, Writer, Biter


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