The Case of the 7-Pound, Dong-shaped, Smoked Meatloaf
I have a neighbor who has a lot of rules:  no sleeves allowed on t-shirts after Memorial Day, all backyard barbecues must have David Allan Coe’s “Greatest Hits” as their soundtrack, and all food you eat during the summer must be dong-shaped. What kinds of food are dong-shaped, you ask? The best kinds. For his 40th Birthday, I wanted to do something special for my dong-shaped food loving buddy so I did what any friend would do…I made him a giant meat-cock to eat with a special horseradish-jizz sauce. For dramatic effect, I decorated the balls with silver candles for him to blow out. Here’s the recipe for this delicious, veiny bulger. If, for some strange reason, you don’t like you food shaped like a dong, feel free to mold it in anyway you see fit.

Meatloaf Recipe:
3.5lbs of ground chuck
3.5lbs of pork breakfast sausage
3 large eggs
2 cups of plain breadcrumbs
5 cloves garlic, crushed
1 yellow onion, minced
1 red pepper, minced
1 jalapeno, seeded and minced
2 cups barbecue sauce
1 tbsp red pepper flakes
2 tbsp black pepper
3 tbsp kosher salt
½ cup of brown sugar
1 picture of a nice penis and balls, preferably erectHorseradish-Jizz Recipe
¾ cup of Sour Cream
3 tbsp prepared horseradish
1 ts lemon juice
1 clove garlic, crushed
1 picture of jizz

Directions:
Mix all meatloaf ingredients together, except for one cup of barbecue sauce and the brown sugar. Place on a cookie sheet and begin to sculpt the mixture into the shape of the penis in the picture you chose as the model. Pay close attention to the cock typography: the veins are an integral part of this dish. Once formed, mix the barbecue sauce and brown sugar together and slather over the meat in an upward motion. Don’t focus solely on the shaft, also pay attention to the balls when slathering. Now, allow the meat to hit room temp and prepare the jizz sauce by simply mixing together all ingredients, looking at the picture of jizz and asking yourself why a grown adult would ever do something like this, and then allow them to sit and blend until the meat is ready. Smoke the meatloaf for at 225* for 4-5 hours, or until the internal temperature reaches 170 degrees Fahrenheit, not Kelvin. Remove the meatloaf, tent with foil (tent…boner, get it?) and allow to rest for 20 minutes before serving to retain juices (juices…dick, get it?).  Serve on a silver platter and drizzle some jizz sauce coming from the dick hole. Take pictures of your guests pretending it is their penis and then sit back and laugh as your friends eat this giant meat-dick.

Mark Paul/ Solid Dude

Smoker, Joker, Writer, Biter

Here’s the first in a new series of shorts we’re hoping will bridge the gap between seasons. It features a couple of our friends that you might recognize from a previous episode doing innovative, groundbreaking work with booze and pastries. That Kony 2012 asshole has nothing on these dudes.

Solid Dudes

Keeping it real since forever.

For my first entry into world of Solid Dudes, I wanted to show the “how” of what I do, not the “what”. Three years ago, I got tired of waiting two hours for a table to eat barbecue. I had no money to buy a high-end smoker so I did the only thing that made sense to me…I consulted the Internet and Googled the phrase “inbred meat smoker.” This landed me a bunch of pictures of southern, incest porn and, after I toweled myself off, I came up with the idea for the RoboSmoker 2000. This is where I smoke the tastiest meat in Ferndale, a claim previously held by a guy named Blake “Tasty Meat” Jones, who was a waiter at Como’s. Four months, six cases of Coors Light, and $80 later, it coughed out its first puff of smoke. Here’s a basic recipe to build your own.

Recipe:

• 1 old-ass, four-drawer filing cabinet (no plastic parts, only steel, painted with the finest poisons)
• 3 cans of grill paint, to cover up the finest poisons
• 3 sheets of expanded metal for grill racks
• 1 two-foot section of three-inch aluminum vent
• 1 tube of 100% silicone
• 1 cast iron skillet
• 1 cast iron propane camp stove
• 1 bag of lava rocks
• 1 steel bowl filled with water
• 2 grill thermometers
• Fittings and copper tubing for propane connection
• Some wood that tastes good (note: don’t eat the wood, feed it to a friend in a blind taste test and ask which is the best)

Directions:

Take a science class and wrap your head around the basic idea of convection heat transfer. Apply this to designing your smoker (or just come over my house with a case of Yuengling and I’ll do it for you.) Put all of this shit together so that it becomes a smoker (I’m not going to hold your hand…you have to put in some effort here. If I told you everything you needed to know, it would detract from how cool my smoker is and then people wouldn’t say things like “Dude, did you see Mark Paul’s smoker? That thing blew my mind. That dude truly has it all,” or “I’d like to thank Mark Paul’s smoker for being the true impetus behind Arab Spring.”) After you figure out how convection works, build the smoker, and look up what Arab Spring is, throw some meat in that bastard and cook it at about 225 degrees until its cooked enough to not give you worms (I would have typed 225 degrees with the little degree symbol, instead of the word, but I don’t know how to do that and don’t feel like finding out.) For the final step, invite your friends over and drink the beer they bring while they stuff their mouths with your meat. The end.

 

Coming soon: The Case of the 7-Pound,  Dong-shaped, Smoked Meatloaf.

Mark Paul/ Solid Dude

Smoker, Joker, Writer, Biter

1st – Make pesto. But use the ramps in place of the basil and garlic. I used toasted walnuts instead of the pine nuts, because thats what I had laying around. Be sure and add the olive oil slowly, otherwise it turns out like shit.

2nd – Make pasta. Not explaining this.

3rd – Mix in tomatoes, shrimp, parmesan cheese, or whatever you want. The ramps have a strong flavor so don’t get nuts.

Thanks to Gabe for the idea.

Dave Graw / Solid Dude

Professional Mouth Breather

Yeah, yeah, yeah… I know.

Trailers are supposed to be a preview of things to come, not shit you released over a month ago. In our defense: go fuck yourself. We’re two guys that are running a media empire. Occasionally things are going to fall through the cracks, so strap on a helmet and get used to disappointment.

Thanks to Dial 81 for the music.

Solid Dudes

Keeping it real since forever.

If you’re planning on heading to the Metro Times Blowout this weekend, our friends at The Night Move will be providing free shuttle service between venues from 9:00 pm – 2:00 am. If you decide to use their service we suggest looking up at our new ads, because unlike the band you’re going to see we’ll be around a year from now.

Solid Dudes

Keeping it real since forever.

My family went to Italy a couple years ago. I’ll spare you all the meandering prose about what a “transformative and life-affirming” experience it was, but know that my wife came home with a Gucci handbag and I came home with a 2 Euro gnocchi roller.

So now you understand the dynamics of the Swanson house.

Gnocchi in Sage-Brown Butter

For the gnocchi:
3 Large Russet potatoes
1 1/2 – 2 Cups Flour
1 Egg
1/2 Tsp. Kosher Salt

For the sauce:
1/2 Cup Butter
2 Tbsp. Fresh Sage, chopped

Parmesan Cheese
Salt and Pepper

Boil the potatoes whole in their skins until cooked through. Drain and let cool enough that they are easy to handle. Cut in half and pass through a ricer onto a clean work surface. Create a well in the center and sprinkle with 1 1/2 cups of the flour. Crack the egg into the center of the well, sprinkle with the salt and beat the egg with a fork. Begin to incorporate the potatoes and flour until a dough forms, adding more flour if necessary. Kneed the dough for 5 minutes and rest for 10. Divide dough into 4 pieces. Roll out a piece into a rope approximately 1″ in diameter. Cut rope into 1″ pieces and press off the end of a fork to give it those ridges that hold sauce so well. Or grab a gnocchi roller in Italy while your wife brings home a $600 fucking handbag. Yeah. The bags without straps. Fuck me.

Bring a large pot of salted water to a boil and set up an ice bath. Boil your gnocchi until 2 minutes after they begin to float. Submerge in the ice bath and set aside.

Melt your butter in a saucepan and add sage. Simmer until it begins to turn brown, remove from heat and toss your drained gnocchi in it. Sprinkle with parmesan cheese and pepper and serve.

Derek Swanson / Solid Dude

Freelance Bridge Burner

People often approach me with ideas for SDK episodes. Sometimes they’re great, but more often than not they’re a projection of that individual’s particular eating habits – eating habits which I could not possibly care less about. I try not to generalize, but I have never been excited in my entire life about vegan / macrobiotic / gluten-free / raw / low-calorie / low-carb recipes. I’m often excited about ingredients that may fall into any or all of those categories, but I would never plan a meal for my family based on restrictive criteria like that.

Full disclosure: I was an ovo-lacto vegetarian for nine years. I thought that instead of easing back on the steady diet of booze and pills, I could offset my health by cutting out meat (fuck you, I was 20). By the time my wife convinced me to start working meat back into my diet, I was ready for the fundamentalist pendulum to swing back the other way and lived for the next year on bacon and chicken thighs. I’ve managed to find a decent balance in recent years and generally keep vegetarian for most meals, but I still panic when I have to provide for strict vegetarians (I won’t even bother with vegan so don’t even ask). The dish I always return to is mujadara because it’s so hearty and, well, meaty.

Mujadara
1 lb. Brown Lentils, rinsed and picked over
1 cup Basmati Rice, rinsed until water runs clear
4 Onions, halved and thinly sliced
1 tsp. Ground Cumin
1/2 tsp. Paprika
1/2 tsp. Ground Cinnamon
2 Bay Leaves
2 tbsp. Olive Oil

Plain Yoghurt
Pita

Heat your oil over medium heat and add your onions. Season with salt and pepper and sweat for 10 minutes. Reduce the heat to medium-low and cook onions, stirring occasionally, for 45 minutes. Seriously. The wait is totally worth it because this is where 90% of your flavor is going to come from. While they are cooking down, cook your lentils in a pot of water with the bay leaves until they are tender. Drain and reserve. Cook your rice and reserve. When the onions are nice and brown, remove from the heat and and combine with the lentils, rice, and remaining spices. Take care not to over-stir as you will wind up with mush. Season with salt and pepper and serve wrapped in pita and topped with yoghurt.

Derek Swanson / Solid Dude

Freelance Bridge Burner